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My Name is Ellie, and I'm an Addict
#1
I started smoking shortly after turning seventeen. ...I figured it was just to fit in; maybe it was at first. I was fresh out of lock up; I'd just spent the last five years getting transferred between abusive juvenile halls, wilderness boot camps, and psychowards for kids; I guess I just wanted to feel normal, so when I decided to try finishing high school in an actual high school and one of the cool kids asked if I smoked, I didn't hesitate much to say yes and avoid the possibility of committing social suicide. We were the stereotypical gang of punks partying all night; dancing around and drinking beer and telling loud and nasty jokes in between bong hits. In total I've probably smoked thousands of cigarettes, drank hundreds of beers, smoked thousands of bowls, and occasionally when my friends managed to get their hands on some, I'd dabble in some of the harder drugs; did a lot of meth and coke, spice on rare occasion because I ended up overdosing and became terrified of the stuff. Became a big fan of magic mushrooms; probably can't even count how many pounds of shrooms I've eaten. Probably not as much air-duster as I've huffed lol. But yeah....thinking in the long run.....it just felt really good to not just get out of my head and forget about all the horrible things I'd seen, but also a way for me to feel like a NORMAL teenager with NORMAL teenager problems. As much as I thought I was fitting in...I never really was. I was still an outsider looking in. Still alienated and totally different from just about every other human being around me. ....Still alone. Guess all us kids were, in a since. None of us could ever really connect with other people; the awkward emo social pariah kids, smoking dope and self harming to overpower the emotional pain inside. ......Shit; no wonder I ended up becoming a submissive masochist lmao; I'm an emo 90's kid.  Tongue

Anyhoo, fortunately I managed to quit all the seriously dangerous substances, but I've still struggled with my three main vices ever since leaving Alaska and my old life behind me: Cigarettes, Weed, and Alcohol. I've been quitting all three off and on for a few years now. Not using nearly as high amounts as I used to, as I learned through trial and error the key for me to quit is to ween myself off first.

This morning I'm FINALLY taking a serious crack at quitting again.

Today is going to be my first day completely clean and sober. 

Ughhhhh this is gonna suck lmao.

But I have to...it's LITERALLY a matter of life and death; the odds of getting a blood clot skyrocket for me because of the hormones I'm on; if I don't quit as soon as possible, I'm probably gonna end up dying from a pulmonary embolism. I have an appointment with my provider in a few days and I really really really wanna be able to tell her I'm officially a non-smoker/non-drinker/non-pothead lol.
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#2
Good luck. Quitting just one of those can be extremely difficult but all three at the same time must be daunting. You have probably the best motive there is. Take it day by day. I'll pray for your success.
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#3
(07-19-2021, 06:09 PM)Cindy Wrote: Good luck. Quitting just one of those can be extremely difficult but all three at the same time must be daunting. You have probably the best motive there is. Take it day by day. I'll pray for your success.

Indeed; cigarettes are definitely going to be the hardest; I already relapsed lmao. Just gonna try again in a few hours or so. Weed is gonna be the second hardest for me; it's about the only way I can get over my social anxiety enough to actually leave the house. Alcohol will actually be pretty easy for me to give up altogether; it's super rare that I drink, mostly just socially with a group of my friends that meet up every other week at the local bar and grill for drinks and billiards with MMA and the Rodeo playing on the TVs lol. Very cowboyish, but that's just Montana lmao. Fortunately all my buds already know I'm transitioning into a cowgirl and are totally fine with it and supportive. ...They honestly didn't seem all that surprised; guess I've just sort of always been the girl of the group in their minds lmao. Never was much of a masculine type; too intellectual, sensitive, and perceptive lol. Pretty sure that's why they keep me around though; the whole reason opposites tend to attract is because subconsciously we desire to seek out certain traits in others that will supplement and compliment our own traits; if the traits in another are identical to our own, our brains don't tend to register that relationship as being "useful" because it wouldn't add anything onto our current experience of the world around us. Likewise, if we see someone who has different traits, our brains perceive it as either an opportunity, or a threat. When our brains decide to see different traits as an opportunity, the traits of the either end up blending with our traits, creating a brand new experience for our brains to chew on, which makes our brains very happy, which in turns make us happy lol.

This is why so many boys are attracted to "the bad girl" and so many girls are attracted to "the bad boy". It's because MOST people are good folk deep down. Why would they ever want someone who doesn't appear to be? Because opposites attract; every yin needs it's yang. Life just isn't as fun and interesting or thought-provoking when everything and everyone is all just the same day in day out; we'd lose our minds lol.

....And that's why 50% of marriages end in divorce hehehehehe. XD

Sorry....I ramble lol.

Too much therapy lmao.

I'd pray for my success too, but I'm an atheist lol. My successes and failures are all on me......or GRAVITY, depending on how ya look at it lol.
I don't believe in free will/freedom of choice. Once gravity first got it's foothold in the universe, it was literally all downhill from there lmao.
Action and reaction; cause and effect; just an endless chain of shit bumping into each other, causing one thing to lead to the next.
Whether I succeed or fail, either way, it's literally and irrevocably physically impossible for it to have happened any other way. Smile

#Acceptance lmao.
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#4
I quit cold turkey.  It is very difficult.  You have to start in small steps and have a driving force to quit.  I had two.  My son and my desire to keep walking.  My son had wanted me to quit for years.  When I told him I quit, he actually cried.  That was enough motivation to keep going right there. I also had the threat of losing the use of my legs because of blocked circulation caused by smoking.  I had to have by pass surgery.  If those aren't two good reasons to quit I don't know what is except the obvious. 

You have to start slow even if it is by the hour.  Set goals like an hour or two hours all the while reminding yourself of why you are doing this.  In my case, it was my son and my legs. I pictured my son actually crying.   I was 68 at the time and I wasn't ready to be in a wheel chair the rest of my life.
Again set your goals small to begin with and reward yourself with a soda, a piece or gum or candy. Don't over do the candy. Pretty soon 1 or 2 hours turns into 10 hours and then overnight.  Hours become days, days become weeks,  weeks become months etc. 

After smoking for over 30 years, I quit on November 23, 2013.  That date is etched into my brain permanently.

Remember why you want to quit. In my case my son and my legs. And set your goals.

Good Luck:
Francene
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#5
Thanks. =)

Mom and I are gonna both try to quit smoking today; thinking we have to quit together otherwise it's too hard to stay quit because we're always around it lol.

I'm planning on just locking myself in my room and playing video games and remind myself I'm probably gonna die of a pulmonary embolism if I keep smoking while on hormones lol.
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#6
People don't really care if you are an addict, they might say poor thing and all that crap, it will not make a difference to other people if you kill yourself with your addiction. you need to get of the pity potty and change your life around, stop talking and do it. the reality is if you do not stop you are going to die and the world will carry on with out you.
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