A brief introduction is in order; Mistress Alison is a good friend and a very knowledgeable and experienced Mistress, she has also been a frequent contributor to PDQ. She is now available to answer questions from both Mistress and sissies alike, assuming a respectful tone of course. These email conversations may well be included at some future date in PDQ though a request for privacy would be respected. Feel free to write her at email@example.com and please don't waste her valuable time asking "where / how can I find a Mistress?"
Dear Mistress Alison
I have very recently got engaged. Immediately after I'd accepted his proposal my new fiancé told me he wanted our marriage to an FLR, a female led relationship. I had never heard this term before, which surprised me. We are both in our forties and both divorced so neither of us is exactly a wide eyed innocent.
By my fiancé's account, which I've no reason to disbelieve, his former wife was immature, slovenly and lazy, more like a teenager than an adult, who flew in rages or sulked for days if she didn't get her own way, and spent money like water. But the thing that hurt him most was that at social gatherings she "used to dress like a tart and flirt outrageously with every man in the room regardless of their age or marital status." Apparently she was never actually unfaithful but whenever he told her behaviour was deeply hurtful she would laugh and say she was only being friendly. He thought that dragging an obviously embarrassed man under the mistletoe to French kiss him or putting her hands in men's trouser pockets went way beyond acceptable behaviour. Their divorce was acrimonious.
My ex did nothing wrong we just grew apart. We met at school, were childhood sweethearts and married too young, 22 and 21 respectively, as we grew older we became different people with different interests until it became obvious that we were no longer a couple but two separate people living under the same roof. There were no children to keep us together so we decided to go our separate ways, we are still on friendly terms and exchange birthday and Christmas cards.
As I wrote above I'd never heard the tern FLR before and so I asked him to explain what precisely he meant by an FLR. He didn't give me a straight answer saying, "It means different things to different people," which was highly unusual as normally he is very direct and an advocate of plain speaking. Instead he gave me a list of websites and advised me to, "Take a good look and decide for yourself." Some of them were feminist gobbledygook about ancient wrongs and rebalancing a fundamentally unjust patriarchy, some were borderline pornographic, but yours was the only one with an agony aunt or advice column or whatever it is you correctly term yourself instead of the usual totally unhelpful list of FAQs. So I decided to write to you.
Do you think my fiancé is telling me he wants me to sexually dominate him? Do think he wants me to subject him to what you call petticoat discipline? If so why does he want to do these things? Most importantly, why won't he tell me these things himself? Every time I've asked he replies it's up to me to decide what I want and he will do it.
I don't want my marriage to get off on the wrong foot so would be grateful for your advice.
Congratulations on your engagement and we all wish you a long and happy marriage.
The very short and probably none too helpful answer is that if your fiancé does truly want an FLR marriage then your questions are irrelevant. The relevant questions are: do you want a FLR, and if so do you want that to include dominating him sexually and does that include a regime of petticoat discipline? Decide what you want and tell him, and if that includes wanting to know his motivation don't ask him tell/order him to provide an answer on pain of punishment if he refuses.
However, life is rarely as simple as yes/no or black/white. The quiddity of any female led relationship, FLR, is that the man voluntarily cedes all the power to the woman, she makes all the important decisions, usually takes charge of the finances, and generally calls the shots while he does exactly as he's told without argument or complaint. If that seems too good to be true that's because it is, all human relationships are much more nuanced.
Going back to your own circumstances it is fairly obvious from the fact that your fiancé has included PDQ in the list of websites he gave you that he has, at the very least, an interest in being both dominated and petticoated. This is far more common in men than you might imagine. He might be evading answering your questions and telling you it's up to you to decide what you want because he genuinely doesn't want to influence any of your decisions in any way, shape or form, which would definitely make him a submissive who wants to be dominated, or more probably he is ashamed of his submissiveness and too embarrassed to tell you want he actually wants. Again, this is incredibly common in men. By far and away the most frequent query I receive is, "How can I tell the lady in my life that I want her to dominate me or that I secretly dress up in female clothing?"
Millions of men feel this way, which is why there is an army of sex workers catering to them. In exchange for a sum (sometimes a surprisingly large sum) of money they can have a temporary FLR and dress as a school girl or maid (or be "compelled" to do so in a scenario known as forced fem ) or be tied up, or whipped or even tortured, all without it impinging on their home life. Except of course it isn't an FLR at all because they are paying for a service and he who pays the piper calls the tune, the man is only handing over partial control. For it to be a real FLR the sex worker would have to take the money then do whatever she wanted, like put her feet up and watch TV. A good friend mind, who is a retired professional dominatrix told me that the secret of success in her calling was to be able to read what men actually wanted rather than what they said they wanted and give them more of it than they felt comfortable with, but never more than could handle. They had to experience enough fear, or enough pain, or both, for it to be thrilling without terrifying the life out of them.
This is fantasy domination and it is important to distinguish between a man having one of the commonest male fantasies and the rare few who actually want the real thing. If you've read any of my previous replies to other correspondents or indeed much of the site at all, you will know that I am a firm believer in men being under female control. I think the world would be a far better place if all men were kept locked in chastity and subject to petticoat discipline and that most women would have a far easier existence and much better sex lives in they took control and did this to the men in their lives. Many men think they want this, that it would be fun and erotic and like having their very own sex worker available 24/7 free of charge. It is not and many men, who tell their wives that they want to be petticoated or dominated come to regret it, but by then it's too late. There is seldom if ever any chance of going back. All the women who write to me say it's transformed their lives out of all recognition and they wish they had done it years ago or from the very beginning. The number of men who write along these lines is far smaller. Read the letter to me in September issue and the one from Tony to Auntie Helga in the November issue and you will see what I mean.
The reason for this is that FLRs tend to be progressive because power is both highly erotic and addictive. I never started out to be a Mistress but fell deeply in love with someone who was both naturally very submissive and a crossdresser. He had been dressing since puberty and felt guilty about it. He wanted to live and work as a submissive she and had a need to be punished. It is actually very hard to deliberately cause pain to someone you love, though ludicrously easy to do it unintentionally, and at first I struggled. But I had good mentors and once I realised the advantages of having a full time sissymaid I never looked back. I could never countenance an ordinary vanilla relationship now. Where once I was reluctant even to hand spank kitty I now need a room in which to keep all my instruments and tools, and a large number of them were presents from her. Though a bit like those 100 piece tool kits advertised in DIY magazines there are 3 or 4 items I use all the time, some only occasionally and one or two seldom if ever. If that sounds frightening let me reassure you that being a Mistress or having a sissymaid, or being the woman in an FLR with an unusually obedient husband, is not about cruelty or sadism. It is principally about correction and control, reining in their bad habits and attitudes and encouraging the good ones to your benefit. One of my principal mentors likened the relationship between Mistress and maid as being a microcosm of that between mother and child, which is why so many men secretly crave a loving female authority figure in their lives.
I'll assume that you do wish to enter into, or at least experiment with, an FLR, and the very fact you've written to me is indicative that you are not entirely averse to the idea. I strongly suspect that your fiancé also sees in you those qualities so sadly lacking in his first wife. Where she was a child, spoilt and insecure (all compulsive flirts are deeply insecure constantly seeking reassurance of their own attractiveness) and undeserving of his respect, he sees you as a strong, capable, self-confident woman. Someone to whom he can give not just his love, but also his respect and obedience. I know of no greater compliment. He has the confidence in you to start the process of unburdening his soul and the next step is to get him to tell you more.
We never tire of advising those who write to us of the vital importance of openness, honesty and above all good communications in the success of any relationship. I would advise that you tell your fiancé you need a serious talk with him. Not want, would like, or any other wish washy euphemism, you need. Allow plenty of time for this and be prepared for strong feelings and emotions to be revealed. When you are sat down together say, "I am going to ask you a very simple but crucial question and I want a simple answer, yes or no. Nothing else." If you are feeling very confident you could threaten him with cancelling the engagement if he prevaricates, but my guess is that if you are firm enough he will become putty in your hands. Ask him, "Are you serious about wanting to be in an FLR, yes or no?" If he answers yes then ask him, "Are you prepared to accept my authority in all things, yes or no?" if he answers yes point to the floor in front of you and say, "Kneel there."
If he obeys without question you can safely assume he's serious; if offers any resistance at all, demurs or asks any questions then he is not and you have another problem to sort out. Have him kneel in front of you upright with a straight back, both hands in the small of the back with his head up. Insist he maintains eye contact and verbally reprimand him for any fidgeting, do likewise if starts to slouch. Tell him you have been researching the nature of FLRs and ask him if he knows what precisely they entail, yes or no? If he says anything but yes tell him to go away and find out and then come back to you when you will have this conversation again. If he says yes, as I think he will, then say, "I will ask you again and for the last time are you prepared to accept my authority in all things, be obedient to me, and accept all my decisions without question or complaint. Yes or no?" If he answers anything but yes tell him to go away and think about it and come back. If he answers yes then go one step further and ask, "Are you prepared to accept being locked in chastity to be released solely at my discretion. Yes or no?" This is the point of no return and by now you should be feeling at least some frisson of excitement or thrill. If you're not or are feeling in any way uncomfortable then maybe you're not cut out to be in an FLR and both of you should think again. By this time he will probably be getting slightly uncomfortable holding his position, it is after all a low level stress position, but if he answers anything other than an immediate "yes" then you should terminate the interview and tell him he's the one not cut out to be in an FLR.
If he says yes then you have choice of either breaking off while you choose a chastity device for him, striking while the iron is hot, and returning to the Q&A later or continuing. There are many devices on the market and you can find more detailed information on the main site. You can choose one for him, instruct him to buy a suitable one and present it, unopened, to you, or you can browse the internet and do it together. Sharing such an important choice may well bring you closer together for in an FLR the chastity device is his equivalent of a wedding ring, deeply symbolic of the true nature of your relationship.
If you choose to continue then the questions you ask are largely up to you. Remember from now on it is all about what you want. If you want something you tell him and he complies. If he wants something he asks you respectfully and you grant or refuse as you please. Your questions could include things like: "Are you prepared to accept and obey all the rules, regulations, and restrictions I impose," and "Are you prepared to accept any and all punishments I impose for failures, infractions and infringements of those rules." But I expect by this stage he will be parroting "yes" to all your questions and it might be more informative to ask things like, "Do you want to be sexually dominated, petticoated, physically punished," and so forth, all the things he was reluctant to tell you before. If he still finds it difficult or embarrassing to tell you to your face you could get him to write it down. Be very specific about what you are instructing him to do. For example, "Write out in not less than 250 words and no more than 500 words why exactly you want an FLR, what you expect me to do, those things you would prefer I did not do and why you think I should grant this request, what things would you bring to this form of relationship that you wouldn't necessarily bring to a more conventional arrangement. You have 48 hours from now to hand me the finished article."
Remember, just because he would like you to do something doesn't mean you have to do it and just because he would prefer you not to do certain things doesn't put them off limits. You now have the power to exercise as you choose. An FLR does not have to include anything per se except his deference to you in all things, though I personally think that would a massive waste of a golden opportunity. Beware of him giving non answers to your questions like "Anything you want." Such answers mean that either he hasn't bothered to think things through properly or he wants you to do it for him. The best counter is a reductio ad absurdum along the lines of, "So me cutting out your tongue as a punishment for talking back would be fine with you then would it?" or "So you are happy for all your family, friends and work colleagues to know the precise nature of our marriage and for me to parade you naked in front of them on a dog lead?" As an aside, more appropriate punishments for backchat are corner time with hands on head and a piece of coal tar soap in the mouth or a blob of mustard on the tongue.
Once you have ascertained the precise nature of what he is expecting and also what he is unhappy or uncomfortable with you can decide how much, or how little of it you wish to incorporate into your marriage. Naturally I'm biased and think that any woman presented with this opportunity should immediately begin training such a man as her sissymaid so he's ready to begin the work of serving her from day one of the marriage, if not before. Great sex plus having someone totally reliable doing all the menial stuff who never complains and always puts you first, what's not to like?
I wish you both well for your future together.
Dear Mistress Alison,
Thank you for your congratulations and sound advice.
I did as you suggested and we had a serious talk and the results were more or less as you predicted. He was rather diffident for the first two questions but once he was kneeling it was a different story. Apart from pulling up him up for replying, "I believe so," to the question about whether he understood exactly what being in an FLR entailed and having to remind him not to look down, he just answered yes to everything. And once we'd passed the milestone question about chastity it wasn't so much about getting him to talk as shutting him up and at times he became uncharacteristically emotional .
You were right about him having visited a professional Lady of the kind you described and he explained it to me something like this. That he was heartily fed up with having to think and be responsible for two people all the time and being either moaned at or taken for granted. He wanted to spend time in the company of an elegant sophisticated woman rather than a constantly whingeing woman child who ate chocolates for breakfast and was still in her dressing gown at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. It was she who first suggested he was probably looking for domination, an offer he didn't take up because the idea frightened him, not only because he associated domination with whips and chains but also because he thought he might like it. Afterwards he couldn't get the idea out of his head and kept thinking what it might be like to have someone else take all the responsibility for a change and the more he thought about it the more appealing it seemed. At approximately the same period as he was going round picking up things after his wife, cleaning up her mess and completing the things she'd left undone and so on he thought to himself, "I'm more like a housemaid than a husband round here," and that idea stuck in his mind his mind too. Though he claims not as strongly as the simple idea of being under the control of a powerful female. Not powerful in the sense of physical strength, but one mentally strong, capable, determined and independent.
I must admit that the idea he found me all those things, plus I hope a little of the elegant and sophisticated as well, was rather exciting. You were right too about him saying "anything" when I asked him what sort of punishments he would accept so I used your example and he looked very alarmed. I'm rather intrigued by your idea of soap in the mouth, but mustard? Wouldn't that cause burns? I told him, "This is never going to work unless you are completely honest with me." When he nodded I added, "Don't nod like a toy in a car's rear window, speak to me." I did feel a definite thrill of excitement as I said that and he answered, "I'm sorry. I was thinking about your previous question and I just assumed that any punishment would be proportionate to the offence. I suppose I should take nothing for granted. The honest answer is I don't and can't know until the actual event. I might think I can cope with something and then find I can't, or maybe even the other way round." Which at least was honest of him.
I took up your other suggestion as well and had him write me a short essay, 500 words, about what he truly wanted and what he was prepared to give me in return for getting it, whether he desired to be petticoated or not, how he envisaged punishment fitting into all of this, his best and worst possible outcomes. Reading it has been highly illuminating, and also highly instructive. I never before realised what complex sensitive creatures some men are, I'd always believed them to be rather simple and straightforward, or crude if you prefer, rather like dogs. Our subsequent discussions have certainly brought us closer together in a way that I think few other things could have done in such a short space of time.
I have decided that I am going to run with this and grant at least some of his wishes. The first step is to get him locked into chastity and again I followed your suggestion that we looked on the internet together. I must admit I did find the plethora of types bewildering and wondered if you would be kind enough to recommend something suitable for a beginner, or novice, or initiate or whatever the correct term is. One last question; he says he's not sure one way or the other about being petticoated, but had he told me that he would like to be petticoated should I have said no in order to show him I'm the boss, or said yes because it would indicate he is the junior partner.
Once again, thank you for your help.
I'm delighted you have found my advice helpful and I am sure you are making the right decision.
I think men and especially those men who are naturally submissive or as it is fashionable to say nowadays in touch with their feminine side can be just as complex as the superior sex and are in many ways more vulnerable, which is perhaps why they are so afraid of admitting it or showing it. You are fortunate that your fiancé has put all his cards on the table before your marriage, and to continue with that analogy he has dealt you a hand but how you play it is entirely up to you. As I wrote in my previous e mail, FLRs are progressive and I'm sure once you begin in earnest it will quickly become obvious which way you want to play your hand. Your fiancé is right about one thing, henceforth he can take nothing for granted except the fact that your word is law.
To answer your three questions. Mustard will not cause burns, he will feel like his tongue is on fire and it may swell a little, but that will only be temporary. The best mustard to use is English mustard mixed from powder, doing so about twenty minutes before use allows the heat to build up fully, and it may be safely applied to other sensitive areas of the body. You can also use wasabi or horse radish in a similar manner.
As I have told other correspondents there is no such thing as the perfect chastity device suitable for everyone and all occasions, each has its advantages and disadvantages. Some are designed deliberately to cause discomfort and others for maximum comfort to allow long term wear. Polycarbonate ones are lighter and will not set off security scanners at airports, but stainless steel is more durable, easier to clean and the wearer is more aware of the weight. Internal locks give a slimmer profile easier to conceal under trousers, but deprive you both of the psychological effect of audibly clicking shut a padlock. At the last count kitty has six (or it may now be seven) and I decide which she wears at any particular time. I'm attaching a list of web sites of suppliers I have used in the past and know to be reliable together with one or two recommendations. The chastity should be removed at least once a week for cleaning, both it and him. Again there is a deep psychological effect if you do this with gloved hands while your fiancé's are secured behind his back. Use cold water to prevent him become excited without your permission. A quick spray of anti bacterial surgical sterilizer will reduce him to a state of complete flaccidity to ease refitting.
Controlling his release from chastity is a highly effective aid in training him to attend to your own sexual needs and desires with appropriate vigour and enthusiasm and always to put your needs first. Set an initial tariff of say 10 to 1 meaning he is allowed 1 orgasm for every 10 he gives you by other means, usually with his tongue. But deduct a set number from his "credit" for any lapses or bad behaviour. For example, he leaves the lavatory seat up: deduct 2 orgasms, he talks back or shows disrespect: deduct 15 orgasms. You can either display the penalties on a sheet so he knows the exact consequence of bad behaviour or keep it to yourself so he's always slightly on tenterhooks. Even the dimmest male will rapidly learn to mend his ways and improve his tongue technique. If you feel the need for something more substantial than a tongue inside you before his release then I recommend you invest in a dildo gag, which will effectively silence him while you pleasure yourself, or you can lie back and make him do all the work, the choices is yours. As an added bonus it will give him sight and smell of your femininity, the thing he desires most but which is temporarily out of bounds, and encourage him to redouble his efforts to please you. As his behaviour improves increase both the tariff for release and the penalties for any lapse so he has to work harder in the bedroom and generally behave better to get the same release. A judicious combination of carrot and stick never fails.
How can he not be sure about being petticoated? I suspect the truth is that he doesn't want to be seen to be cross dressing from choice, but wants to be "made" to do it against his will (see my earlier comments about sex workers and forced fem) which then absolves him from guilt. Whether you choose to do so or not is of course entirely up to you. Naturally as a passionate advocate of petticoat discipline I think that if he is going to be doing any form of domestic work, and for it to be otherwise would be like keeping a dog and barking yourself, then he should be wearing a maid's uniform, curtsy to you and address you as either Mistress or Madam. At other times he should, as an absolute minimum, be wearing panties, stockings and suspenders under his street clothes. Never tights, suspenders will encourage him to take small steps out of fear of one springing and a stocking slipping out of the bottom of his trousers leg. We know that under normal circumstances this is extremely unlikely ever to happen, but he doesn't. Furthermore, the gentle tug of them as he walks will be yet another reminder of your constant authority over him. Depending on size compatibility many dominant wives insist on the man wearing the pair of panties they wore the previous day, but again this up to you. Naturally it will be part of his duties to hand wash and iron all your underwear.
Wearing female attire has a profound effect not just on men's behaviour, but also on their psyche. The ultimate object is not to crush them but to improve them. Petticoating is not that much different from training a horse or a dog, do it right and the man you have made a "she" or a sissy will want to obey and please you because he doesn't just love you, he worships you, puts you on a pedestal. Your comfort and pleasure becomes his pleasure and his object in life is to serve you. Every morning my day begins with my sissymaid, kitty, bringing me tea in bed; she is always immaculately turned out in her uniform, wig and high heels with full make up, she greets me, "Good morning, Mistress," with a respectful deep curtsy and a beaming smile. From that moment until I go to bed her focus is on me and on my well being. During office hours she works as my P.A. though in different clothes obviously, and is harder working and more conscientious than any paid secretary I've ever employed, while she gets the bonus of being in her Mistress's company (she would probably say "divine presence" or some other hyperbolic phrase) so we both benefit. This happy state evolved naturally over several years as each of us grew into our respective roles, and although I didn't deliberately set out for things to be like this I certainly don't regret it and would never go back. For the record kitty is even happier and she is even more evangelical about the benefits of petticoating and the rewards of being a sissymaid than I am. Hopefully your own FLR will lead you both to some equally happy state of your own choosing.
Something I would strongly advocate you acquire, even if you have absolutely no intention of using it, is a riding crop. It perfectly symbolises female authority and is ideal for pointing when directing your man or your sissymaid, it is elegantly feminine and is principally an instrument of control rather than correction. An equestrienne uses it control a beast many times larger, far stronger, and hugely more powerful than herself, which at the slightest touch will move to her command and go anywhere and jump over anything she directs. Mistress and mount moving in harmony, she is indisputably in total command but there is also genuine affection on both sides, the rider cares for and grooms her beast who is docile in her hands and enjoys being ridden. I strongly suggest you get one and keep it visibly on display in the bedroom, so he can see it every time he enters the room, I keep mine on a hook on the bedpost. It will be a constant reminder of your superior status, his place in the scheme of things and of the consequences of disobedience or dissent. Let the psychology do the work so you don't have to.
Finally remember two things, Firstly; this is all about what you want and that there is no right or wrong way to take the lead in an FLR. What may be right (or wrong) for you now might not be right (or wrong) a few years hence so rule nothing out. Secondly; if what you're doing feels right to you and you're enjoying it, having fun and being entertained then it probably is right, anything less and you might want to think again. All that I've written is just my opinion based on what you've told me viewed through the distorting prism of my own experience, it isn't chapter and verse or a blueprint for anyone.
Whatever you decide to do, on behalf of everyone at PDQ I wish you both a long, happy and successful marriage.